either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
