I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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