So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
The Olympian is in my bed
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
