remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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