I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
