that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
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She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
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Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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