So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
