i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
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