I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
