I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Just puked most of my soul out..
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
