I need to stop coming to work sober
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
