you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
