did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
