dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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