i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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