He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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