Tell her she can't have a vagina
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
