benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Randomize
