What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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