Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
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Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
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Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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