1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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