Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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