I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
we should paint friendship bongs
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