I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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