How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
