He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
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I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
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Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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