I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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