I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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