Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
