Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
