New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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