So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
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There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
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Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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