Pappa wants mamma naked
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
