I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Are my feet made of real feet?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
