oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
50% drunk capacity currently
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
