Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
