if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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