this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
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I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
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Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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