ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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