Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
