are you still at the devil's house?
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
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