Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
