ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
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I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Mom said you looked used
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
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This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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