Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
