I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Randomize
