You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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