Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
