There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
