just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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