So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
