We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Fuck appropriateness.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
