drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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