He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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