apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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