True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
