Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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