i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
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