Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
