He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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