Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
