They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
