I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
