I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
