pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
