if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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