Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
