It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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