I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
