Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
